Starting with a bang...

I haven't gone to bed yet. I started doing a second read on my contest entries and watching new On-Demand episodes of The L Word and lost track of time. It was 5:30 am before I realized that a smart person would have been in bed hours ago. Apparently, I'm not that smart today. I feel ridiculous for getting so caught up in what was happening on my show. It's been about a month since I last watched every available episode, and I actually got giddy over seeing the new ones up. As usual, there were funny bits and parts that just made me think. The characters had my full attention. It was almost like re-visiting a favorite book. The people on the screen were more than a set of actors playing parts. They were old friends who dropped by to catch up. I was fine with that--reveling in it, in fact, until someone died. Forgive me for the spoilers. I won't name names, but suffice it to say that it was a painful one for me to watch. And I can't begin to imagine how it felt to embrace that role and live that moment, take through take. Again, I have to offer kudos to the writers and actors for amazing work.

I don't know what other fans thought about when they watched that particular episode. I don't know what the writers wanted me to think. But I know I did. Think. Why do the people we love and cherish most in this world have to die? I am young enough that I still ponder this question in earnest and old enough to know that one day it will be my turn. There is no escape. That is reality. I thought about my Dad. The anniversary of his death looms, and I can't help but think of how he died and if he really knew how much I loved him--love him. He died alone. I lived an ocean away and couldn't visit him when he was alive. Every time I managed to get near enough that it was possible for me to see him, he would turn me away. He'd been deteriorating for years and was prideful enough that he didn't want me to see him as less than the man he'd always been. I respected his wishes. We talked on the phone. He was the second to know of my accomplishments (DH was first), and to this day, he is the first I think to call when something big happens in my life. He was my biggest fan. Loved me when I was bitchy and believed I could do anything I set my mind on doing.

He taught me what courage means, what it means when you have a conviction so dear to your heart that you can't see not fighting for it. Because of him, I learned to do my best everyday. Maybe today's best will be different from tomorrow's, but all that matters is that I put forth the utmost effort I can muster in that day, that moment. He wasn't the best person in the world. He was human. He made mistakes, was man enough to admit them, and he loved me unequivocally. That was all I needed.

Thinking about Dad made me think of my own parenting. I remember being young and vowing that I would never do this or that to my child. I was going to be the perfect parent, never say a hurtful word and have kids who always wanted to be around me. I've blown two of the three goals. Guess which. For some reason, though, my kids still like to hang out with me. They look forward to seeing me in the morning, or at least, they do a damn good job of acting like they do. As I showered this morning after watching hours of The L Word and thinking about my Dad, I thought about the transience of life. How really, every minute does count.

I thought about my last words to my kids. Did I tell them I loved them before they went to bed? Did they know I would be excited to see them bumble through the halls after I woke them? Tired though I am, I watched them eat breakfast, fixed them tea and chatted with them. I brushed their hair before they headed out the door. Still can't believe they all let me do it. And I told them how much I love them--even when I'm angry with them for whatever reason. I love them. And I told them I know the day is coming when they won't want to hang with their crabby, cantankerous mom. When they'll want to cuss at me and punch the speed bag, imagining it's me. They all sweetly said they can't imagine such a day will ever come in their lives. I know better. And I love them.

Today, I started with a goal. To do what I'm supposed to do. Easy enough. I made phone calls, but at every turn met some sort of difficulty. I've done my part. The rest will fall into place, I thought. Then I got a phone call. At first, I was excited, thinking it was a return from one I'd made. When I saw it was the University calling, I was thrilled because my class is scheduled for next week. I deflated as the program director explained her reason for calling. My class has been cancelled. Though it is one almost every student is required to take, no one signed up. She felt horrible for having to give me the news, and believe me, I felt horrible hearing it. I'm fighting the disappointment. The bottom line is that it wasn't meant to be right now. So I'll smile and return to my writing where eventually, someone gets a happy ending. No ifs, ands or buts. My characters made me promise. Can't have a rainbow without rain...