The writer's life is a difficult one. In the past month, I've dealt with death and disappointment. The latter stemming from both a lack of writing and more rejection. Yep, the dreaded R's came through the PO box this week. Yes, I'm disappointed by the turn-downs, but I'm even more disappointed in myself for not writing as much as I would have liked. What's funny is that I don't know when I could have squeezed the novel writing in. Between the school work and work work? Going to school is my bridge to the future I desire, so the papers must be done. Work pays the bills, so I can't exactly give that up either.
I'm running out of agents to query. All my faves have returned rejections. I know they are busy, but I can't help wishing I knew why. There are so many BRILLIANT writers out there whose work faces the same fate as mine. I know realistically my dream may never find fulfillment, yet I write. I can't stop, but I wonder if I should just focus on my day job. I think my writing is good, but I'm biased, aren't I? My husband say my last book, well the book before last, is good. He's flabbergasted as to why no one wants to see more of my work. His support is beyond nice because I know he won't lie to me. He told me pretty plain out that my first book sucked. I was okay with that. Maybe not okay because it was the book of my heart, but it is so skewed and un-ready for publication. I appreciate his honesty, and maybe one day I'll re-work the book and it will be the YA novel I envisioned it to be. For now, I'm focusing on moving forward and trying not to get swamped in the mires of PMS.
I am tired of rejection. I get it everyday at the job and I get it from people in the world I so desperately want to be part of. Life would be so much easier if I could give up and accept the fate that the Universe seems to be dealing me. Why do I have to be stubborn? I wanted to go to my writing conference this year. Finally, it looks as though that might not be a dream but reality. My dear husband finally got a job. I will have money to go-- to pay for last minute plane tickets and the conference fee even. But what do I have to offer? I feel like I should be able to present something if I go. It dawned on me that since the last conference, I have written another book. I do have something to show for my year. I started writing the third book on the plane home from that conference in fact. I've tried to avoid looking at the conference website because I didn't want to get excited for nothing. I am excited though. Maybe everyone will hate it as much as the last. Maybe someone will love it and want to see more. I don't know. What I do know is that if I don't give myself a chance, I'll be in the same place I am now. Wondering what I should do with my life. Wondering what I'll be when I grow up. I hate not knowing. So Miss Julie, it looks like I will see you in November. If for no other reason than to touch the energy of people like myself -- writers who write because that is simply what they do.
That stupid inner voice is telling me to give up. To switch jobs because deep down I want to be venerated and loved by the people I deal with. To stop writing toward publication because who in hell would actually want to read my books. To just plain give up. Maybe I'm too stubborn or too stupid to listen. I can't stop writing. The job may go but I won't fight the writing diva. Last week I wrote half of my first chapter and I was excited about the book. I have no idea where it's going, but I'm excited because it was fun and the release I needed. The release the characters needed. I don't know where to query, and I keep seeing the words of the contest judge who told me the time for my story is now. I cling to that response because that judge is in the industry and knows what's hot. At the same time, I have to wonder why none of the agents agree. Perhaps it's a case of querying the wrong people at the wrong time. I'm spinning my wheels here, folks! I have one query out. A query to a publishing house. God, I would feel vindicated if they said they wanted to see more!
I feel so fortunate to know writers who've stood on the crux of success, bearing the weight of sticking with their day job and writing. Those who have stuck with it through the disappointment and moved forward are now enjoying fulfillment as real published writers. It could be that my last book is the one that connects with agents, publishers and the reading public. Maybe the book before last is destined for dust bunny heaven like the first. Who knows? But I will never get even a semblance of a clue by remaining sequestered in four walls... or my cubicle at work, or any confined space. I'm afraid, but I'm moving forward. So what do you say, dear readers? What do you do when facing life change? Advice, anyone? I'm in desperation here!
3 comments:
Sounds like a hamster wheel's got you in its grips, but maybe all that running is going to get you somewhere one of these days! I think so.
Well, now I don't know if I'll be able to go to LJ. WWAAAAAAHHHH!!!! I spent mucho frequent flyer miles to go to Calif to help my brother through the first week of a most unexpected separation. I don't know if we'll have enough miles again in time to go, not to mention the other expenses. I'll keep you posted, though. I have another friend who's interested in going, too, now that my own participation is probably out. LOL Isn't life a little crazy?
I'll have to decide by Sept. 20 because that's that latest the fee can be refunded.
You are a good writer. Never forget.
Don't feel bad. I'm right there with you. I feel awful because I feel I was called to write. Damn it, it's a God-given talent! So, why is He not allowing me the success I crave (with the craving He placed inside me, no less)? Who knows? But remember, you are an AWESOME writer and those agents out there don't have a CLUE what they're missing. It'll happen for you. I know it.
Julie, I hope you can come! I hope your brother's okay. Why does life have to be so not easy sometimes?
I'm finally in the clear enough to be able to go and it won't be the same without you! I understand about the frequent flier miles, though. That's how I managed to go the first time. I'm hoping to catch a cheap flight out of Denver or something so it won't hurt so much. Just getting there and having a place to stay is $1K, not to mention the actual conference. It would probably be more sensible to find something local, but those have all past and I couldn't afford to go when they were going on. Please let me know what you decide to do.
Anon, I feel you! I swear I wonder if I'm just lying to myself and forcing a square peg into a round hole. Then I remember that no one has had an easy go. Not with writing or any other aspect of life that involves human beings. Something worth having is worth fighting for. Chin up!
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