Here I Go Again...

Yep, it's been confirmed. I am a killjoy. Tonight I hung out with a group of folks whose company I enjoy. There were new people in the group, but that was okay. The only problem was me. Not that I was an ass (I hope), but I was withdrawn. I purposely shut down to a degree because sometimes I think I'm too easy to read. I didn't realize how completely I'd shut down until it literally hit me in the face. I tried to open a bit but I couldn't do it completely. Now I feel terrible because for a moment, my darkness leaked. I don't let people see that side of me. That is something I keep inside or share here on this blog.

God, I wish I could just be myself and be absolutely safe in doing so. Truth be told, I am depressed and disappointed. When I imagined this day, I didn't plan for it to go this way. I don't know what entirely I expected, but it wasn't to become an island to myself while surrounded with people. How do you get out of a dark place? No amount of food fills it, chocolate didn't help. I want to read, but I don't even have the compulsion to turn a page. That is not me! It just dawned on me that the last time I ate was breakfast. I haven't really slept either, so I'm all out of whack. So maybe after I finish this episode of Charmed and have a bit of extremely late dinner, I'll go to bed and the world will look like a much better place.