I couldn't sleep last night because I've been working on scaring myself. Sounds strange and maybe a little stupid on first glance, but it makes perfect sense to me. You see, unless I push myself beyond the limits, I'll stay where I am. Not that where I am is a bad place to be, but if tomorrow is the same as yesterday then there is no reason for me to occupy space on this planet. I need to grow and change--even when it hurts, and one thing life has taught me is that change and growth almost always hurt. But it's a good pain, the kind that you look back on and stand amazed at. Amazed because you learn that you're made of stronger stuff than you think.
So what was it that pushed my bounds yesterday? Sending off a query and contest submission. I've sent queries on my last novel via email with no success. I've begun my collection of rejections, and that's okay because I can't be rejected if I don't stick my neck out there. The e-query rejections didn't hurt. I accepted them as par for the course, but for some reason, I am nervous--and almost sick to my stomach, if I'm honest--about the snail mail query I sent yesterday. I followed directions, used the agent's name and double-checked my spelling. The letter was good, but that doesn't mean I won't get a "no" back in response. And this time, it would feel more real because I sent my work on paper. His yea or nay will return on paper. I will touch it and read it more than once. It will be real.
My friend thinks writers are brave because of the way they repeatedly expose themselves to rejection. I don't feel brave at the moment. I feel stupid and pretentious for thinking that I have something to offer that someone else will want to read. This isn't a game. And I so want people to read my work and feel my words the same way I felt them when I applied them to the page. Or at the very least, I want my readers to hear the voices the way I heard them when they shouted in my ear that they wanted their story told. If you didn't think I was crazy before, I've certainly cemented it for you now.
Yes, I hear voices. And yes, they demand their story to be told. They yelled when I altered their truth and didn't let me sleep (literally) when I didn't hold to their demands. Some of those characters are still screaming at me, and I thought that if I stepped back for a moment that they would leave me in peace. No such luck. They want to talk, but I have someone else's story in line at the moment, so they'll have to wait their turn. The good news is that so far
If you came here for something other than random babbling, I feel for you. I tried to be up front...explained that this blog would be full of random musings. So far, I've delivered on that promise. All this crap has been running through my head, not necessarily preventing me from doing real writing, but definitely keeping me from sleep. So I'll leave you with all my baggage and drama. It's time to write and enjoy Brokeback Mountain as I do so. Talk about a stretch for me. I am SO not a movie/TV person, but I actually got my lazy bum off the couch to put this movie on, and I'm going to watch it. So far, I see a movie about people in love. My opinion may change after I've seen it in its entirety, but for now, I'm enjoying the scenery and admiring the courage of the actors for assuming such roles. Especially when so many of us are satisfied to hide in our own walls.
A couple questions because I'm just nosy like that...Did you watch BrokebackMountain? Why or why not? (I wasn't going to watch it because of all the Hollywood hype initially) And, what have you done to scare yourself today? Do you even know what scares you? (I didn't 'til I sent those queries off)...
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