When I grow up...

Every now and again, I wonder who I'll be when I grow up. I know who I am at the core, but seeing into the future is a tad difficult for me. My crystal ball is in the shop. At any rate, I think about all the opportunity skimming my extremities. If you stop for a minute and just feel what's around you, you'll notice it too. In every direction, jutting from our bodies, is the chance to impact the world. Now I'm not saying all the choices are right, or even where we should go, but they are there.

Maybe I can blame Pay It Forward for this new round of soul searching. But it's not the only book that's made me step back and analyze my purpose. It's right up there with Paulo Cohelho's The Alchemist. That book was introduced to me by an old chum. She told me it was good and that it presented something new with each re-read. So I read it. On a plane to England. And I felt as though I'd been kicked in the gut. In a good way, if that's possible. Now, it's a book I give to people. Mostly people I see on the crux of a life change, or at the very least, people who will appreciate it. Please, please, if you haven't read this book, find it. I could have kicked myself for reading it in a public place. That was years ago, and apparently, I haven't learned much since then. I had to hold my eyes wide open so the tears wouldn't spill all over my blouse.

Every time I open The Alchemist, there is a new message. I have to wonder if the reason it touches me so is because I haven't done the one thing I need to do. I am reminded that my journey, including the pain that tags along, is not all about me. Most of the time it is, but sometimes, those lessons are opportunities for others to learn how to respond to what seems negative. Kind of like Mitch Albom's Five People You Meet In Heaven. Another keeper. Another dear, dear friend told me I had to read it. Because she's not a reader, I knew it had to be a stunning book. She was so right. She told me to read it at a time when I was asking why a lot. I was in a bad place. One where almost nothing made sense. And I was whining big time. This good friend told me, "Sometimes, it's not about you." Now, if you knew her, and could hear her matter-of-fact way of speaking, you might think she was a little harsh. No way. She told me the truth. Exactly what I needed to hear in that instance, and I am SO grateful that she loves me enough to tell me the truth. I read the book. Why do the great ones always reduce me to tears?

Each of these books has served to remind me how much of an impact the small deeds can have on our world. They make me feel capable of creating change, yet at the same time, they make me feel inadequate. For all the times I forget to do the small things for my fellow man, for all the times I set a bad example for my little people instead of a great one because sometimes, slacking off is so much easier, for all the times I complain about things that seem wrong in my life. It would also be so easy to revel in abject failure. After all, each of the heroes in the book did something--well, heroic! I don't do anything heroic. Not to me, anyway. Do you remember that movie, While You Were Sleeping? One of my favorite lines was the one Sandra Bullock's character delivered to Peter Gallagher's character. "It is to the person who sits in it."

It is the small things that make the biggest difference. Even something as simple as giving up my seat to someone who could better use it. So while those books sufficiently put me in my place, they also offer hope. Each of the protagonists were normal people, just like me. With normal problems, just like me. And they made mistakes--like I do. So who do I want to be when I grow up? I want to be the one who writes those books. The ones that make your face fight between laughter and tears.

I've got a long, winding road ahead...

More on the horizon...

This is short. My apologies, dear friends. I'm in the middle of a GREAT book. You all have probably read it, so please pardon my exuberance. Pay It Forward by Catherine Ryan Hyde. Julie, if you didn't get to meet her last year, look out for her this year at the conference. I think she's teaching a course. I wouldn't have to think if I actually looked, but hey, I'm only human. Anyway, if you haven't read this book, stop what you're doing and find a copy. Okay, you're allowed to sleep and stuff, but this is a must read. Before you ask, I've never seen the movie. At this point, I doubt I will, but Ms. Hyde can tell a story so compelling I don't need to see it played out in film. If the cyber gods are generous, I'll do a review here. Crossing my fingers that it doesn't get eaten.

So, what have you read lately? Have you read Pay It Forward, and if so, what did you think?

Happy Friday... and I'm not just saying that!

Okay, you all gave me great advice on the toxic person I was dealing with so at the very least, I owe you an update. Do I still think she's a bit of a wasteland? Sadly, yes. However, my group and I decided to give it another go. As hard as all of us try to be, not one of us could let her fall into an abyss--at least not without offering a hand up and out. We invited her to a study group because it was more than apparent that she felt insecure with the material we learned in class. Included in the study was an informal dinner. Nothing washes down stress like a good meal. Plus, if you're mouth's full, you can't say anything hurtful. See, we're smarter than we look.

Anyway, we all made it our duty to make her feel welcome and let her know that the rest of her experience was her choice. Before this lovely dinner, we surrounded her with positivity at lunch. Literally. Each of us discussed our own failings and personality quirks so no one felt singled out, and we worked on quality fixes for those little idiosyncrasies. Honestly, I wasn't looking for a solution to my hot-temperedness or snarkiness. I like those parts of me just fine, and until they stop serving me, I'll wear them like a cheap fur coat. The "take-away" from our lunch and dinner was the power of positivity.

Cross my heart, I'm not a happiness guru. I believe we create our realities. And in the face of fierce positive energy, this woman could not be negative. She was cooperative and didn't try to bulldoze us with stories of superiority. We all put away our ill feelings too, which was again, powerful! All of this happened because each of us made a choice. That is a power each of us possesses. To choose to succeed or fail, to choose to love or hate, to choose to make the world a better place, or to be a rabid consumer, sucking away at the good things that are waiting a simple choice beyond our grasp.

Alrighty then!

Life is still on the fast forward track in my neck of the woods. This is my second week of training at the new job, and while I'm nervous about the amount of information being thrown at me, I'm excited. It seems like those two emotions should be polar opposites, or at least not manifest in equal amounts, but in this case, neither is true. Okay, so maybe I'm more excited than nervous, but the anxiety is still there. That's new for me.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I jump into my decisions with both feet. Deep water? That's okay because I'll learn to swim that much quicker. I don't know that the water could get much deeper. Some wise person once said, "When it rains, it pours." Most of the time, I see that handy adage applied to negative situations. Not so in my situation. I'll give you a quick rundown, and you can be the judge.

We moved from an undisclosed location to a disclosed location. My husband and I went from being employed to being job-searching fiends. I got a job, DH is still looking. The kids are in school. I've become reacquainted with the in-laws. Sooner than I knew it, my job sent me away for training. So now I'm away from home--aka my home on wheels. Funny aside. A home on wheels grows smaller the longer you live in it--especially if you're talking about living with four other people and all of their things.

Dude! No one tells you this stuff! So I thought I should be a font of information--just in case you ever wondered. So it won't be a Jeopardy question, but hey, I'm working with what I've got here. Anyway, the smaller the palace on wheels got, the more interested DH and I became in finding a home that was a bit more permanent. Preferably one with a basement and a full kitchen. We browsed the MLS listings in the area for the "perfect" place. And finally, when life got super busy, the perfect place found us.

Is it wrong to fall in love with an inanimate object? If it is, sign me up for Kitchen Lovers Anonymous. This is the largest kitchen I've had--ever. And soon, very soon, it will be mine. After living in a travel trailer, almost any home would feel like a palace, but this place is everything DH and I wanted. He had the onerous task of making the final decision because I've been away for work. Every time he asked if he was doing the right thing, I let him know that he would make the right decision. I trust him. Not just because there will be hell to pay if he does the wrong thing. No doubt, there always is when he crosses the wrong line. But in this situation, he had an interest in choosing a home that would be a haven for all of us when we need a retreat from the cruel world. I've told him and I'll tell you too, he did a damn good job.

On more creative fronts, I've not written much lately. Last night, I did two pages, which were fun. It's amazing when I know my characters how well I can write. They let me jump into their heads and roam around. I don't know the ending yet, other than it will be a happy one. Isn't that what people read romance for? I will write for a bit before bed and then wake, ready for a new day of learning. Only a few days to go, and I'm already sad to leave behind the wonderful folks I've met here. That's what email is for, I guess.

I'm still waiting to hear on a couple queries I sent off before the move, and the one I mailed since living here. Yes, I'd love to have someone say yes, you must sign up now. But right now, I just want to know that my work was reviewed. I am quickly reaching the ten-week mark on the first two and am getting nervous. What if they hate my work or think I'm a newbie who has no clue about the market or what makes good fiction? If that's the case, I'll have to cross those agents off the list and move to the next. But I really, really don't want to do that. I want to hear yes, so until I do, no news is good news.

Today I got a view of what I don't want to be when I grow up. I've heard that we don't like qualities in others that we detest in ourselves. Since I agree with that, at least 99% of the time, it makes me really wonder what or who people see when they look at me. I met this person who has one of the ugliest spirits I've seen in anyone in a long time. She is rude, self-centered and generally frustrating to be around. When I do spend time with her, I feel as though I have to be on guard for some sort of personal attack. Not that she strikes out at me directly. No, she's one of those who spreads the wealth. It's just that she's not the sort of person one feels safe around.

In my heart of hearts I don't believe that she is a terrible person. In fact, she seems deeply wounded. Her actions and words scream that she is someone who has suffered tremendous hurt. Yet, I'm having the most difficult time seeing past the surface ugliness to get to who she truly is. There was a time when I would work until that nugget of coal produced the diamond. Now, I almost can't be bothered. I know this woman wouldn't have been placed in my life if we weren't to have an impact on each other, but I'm still asking why. In the spirit of gratefulness, I'm going to thank God that I've been allowed to see what I can. In the meantime, I'm desperately seeking perspective.

So, for my dear beloved readers, what do you do when confronted with a difficult person? If your prior coping methods weren't effective, what do you think you could do better?