Today I went on the walk I've been meaning to take for a week. My brain finally shut down, refusing to do any more until I kept my side of our little bargain. So off I went. The park is gorgeous--complete with a pond, geese, playground, heck, they even had a horseshoe pit. Lots of folks were out today, playing with their little ones, strolling like me and playing Frisbee with their pooches. Now, I have to tell you the weather wasn't all that great. In fact, I fully expected to be drenched, but I went anyway. Turns out all that got wet was my shirt from all the sweat I managed to work up.
My goal was to push through some of the crap in my head so I could function. I was stressed out about finding a job, worrying about my characters and about the example I'm setting for my kids. I told myself I would walk until I had clarity on all the above. Bet you're surprised I made it home before dark! My first lap I allowed myself to observe my surroundings. One of the first things I noticed was how grumpy the other walkers looked, and couldn't understand why. Who knows, maybe I looked grumpy too, but I didn't feel it. I was lost in thought for a good part of the walk, but no matter how many ugly thoughts popped up, there were always two or three wonderful ones that followed. Consequently, I couldn't fight the smile that kept tugging at my mouth. I mean really, when you eat everyday, have a place to live and a family who believes the best of you, what is there to be depressed about? I am so blessed!
When we embarked on this adventure--moving to Colorado, trust me, I've edited all the gory details out, I told myself we would be fine. I'm really good at pushing small, negative details out of mind when I need to. And that's what I did. After the job hunting commenced, I started getting a little discouraged. As a writer, rejection is as much a part of life as hours at the keyboard. For some reason though, not getting major bites on the job front felt like a rejection from the human race. I like to work. I worked for my education and I know what I'm capable of. I started wondering what I did wrong to be where I am. I worried about how I was going to care for my children and seriously entertained the idea that I was the butt of some cosmic joke. All the time, though, I kept up my positive face. Like putting on your good clothes and a touch of makeup can make you feel more together, the upbeat facade was healing. So maybe it was like putting a little band-aid on a big wound, but at least it kept some of the filth out. Still, the ugly thoughts would worm their way in and I needed more to maintain a good attitude.
I decided to control the things I could. Good ole Serenity Prayer. I went to Wild Oats and bought some good-for-me food. On the way out of the store, I grabbed one of the free magazines on the shelf. I didn't read it right away. It actually sat in my car for a few days, untouched except for when someone needed to sit on the passenger seat. One day, DH and I planned to shop and I had to wait in the car for him to get ready. I swear he takes more time than me to get gussied up! Anyway, I read the magazine. Some of it was interesting, but one article stood out. It was about cultivating an attitude of gratefulness. I like to think that I do that consistently, but it was such a timely reminder. So I wake, thankful for a new day, for my family and friends who love me. I go to bed, thankful that I'm not outside seeking shelter in a doorway. Some days it's hard to remember to do it--to find that one thing to be grateful for when the world seems shrouded in crap, but I do it. Because that is something I can control--my attitude.
There's an old saying: your attitude determines your altitude. Ten points if you can tell me where it comes from. It's true. How can I believe anything else when I've seen the truth in that statement time and time again? Yesterday, I was unemployed. Today, that is no longer the truth. Maybe I would have secured the job anyway, but I believe being open to thankfulness connected me to the opportunity. There's a lot of crap in the world, and it sucks to wade through it all, but there's a lot of good too. What would happen if we all decided to control what was in our power? What would happen if we truly decided to become the change we want to see in our world? What would happen if we just said thank you when we open our eyes in the morning and before we shut them at night?
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3 comments:
So..you got a job? I said it before - I love your positive attitude!
"There's an old saying: your attitude determines your altitude. Ten points if you can tell me where it comes from."
I'm not sure where this comes from, but from my experience, I believe this to be true. When I've accomplished anything in my life, it's because I've appreciated what I have, said "I CAN DO THIS" and forged a path to my dream.
Congrats on such a successful walk!
Thanks, Ellen. When I first heard that phrase, I thought it'd been coined by some happiness guru :)
The term comes from aviation. Please forgive a botched explanation, but here's my best shot. The orientation of the plane (aka--attitude) plays a direct roll in the altitude. Example, if the plane's pointed upward, the altitude increases. Isn't it funny how things are interrelated?
For every time I've applied the can-do attitde and been successful, I know there have to have been 10-20 times I've failed to achieve because my heart and head were in the wrong place. I usually don't have to learn a lesson more than once, but this one has to cycle through repeatedly because I forget.
You spread that positivity around, Ellen. I've seen it. As hard as it is to cultivate that attitude, especially when it seems everything is going wrong, it is so worth it because you end up having a much more peaceful existence. Sometimes life sucks, but how powerful is it to know that we are in control of how negativity affect us?
Well said! :)
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