I woke up this morning. That much I remember. I'm in bed now, typing away at laptop central. Pretty sure of that too. The rest of the day is a blur. One minute I was cruising a thrift store and sucking down Jamba Juice's new All Fruit Pomegranate smoothie. Yum-o, by the way! The next, I was cruising between dryers at the laundromat and folding clothes. How did it all happen? What did I actually do? Maybe the body snatchers finally laid claim to the time I owe them. All I know is that I'm dead dog tired and feeling like a wimp. Used to be I could stay up all hours of the night, writing on my manuscript while my coffee IV kept me humming. Now, I'm begging my body for one more hour, just like a child trying to get a bedtime extension. So I want to know. Who put fresh batteries in the remote and left the forward frame button mashed in?
Only a couple days before I head to Denver on life adventure #5693. Nah, I don't really have them numbered, but it sounded fun. Would that number make me boring or exciting? Denver means packing, which means I have to empty my garment bag of undies (you didn't think I was kidding all those days ago, did you?) and fill it with business attire. Sayonara jeans, hello slacks and skirts...and pantyhose. I can't wait! I've been feeling entirely too casual lately, so it's time to shake things up. My aim is to be really rebellious and run in the mornings before training. Guess that means I get to keep the Pullman of shoes.
Sunday, we are going to the FIL's house for Easter dinner. I know it's not Easter yet, but this is one of the byproducts of divorce--split holidays. He loves to cook. The kids have a blast. This will be the first time I've seen all the grandkids at his house. Should be interesting. Usually we're all at my MIL's house. I'm sure my step-MIL will keep everyone in line. They are typical grandparents. We wash up before and after meals, we use proper table manners and we walk in the house. Meanwhile, grandma and grandpa sneak the kids cookies and sodas, but that's what grandparents are for. I've heard reports that my kids have told the GP's that they shouldn't have any sweets before eating their veggies. I still beam with pride. If nothing else, I've taught my kids the value of green.
Sunday could be heaven or hell. Nine grandkids and three Scottie dogs could put a hitch in the normal order. Is it wrong that I'm enjoying an internal giggle over this? I know after I hang out with my little entourage and my nephews and nieces, I am wiped out. Mostly, I've learned to tune them all out. If no one's bleeding, crying or dying, everything's fine. And if all else fails, I can make an escape.
29 March 2007
27 March 2007
What a difference a day makes!
Today I went on the walk I've been meaning to take for a week. My brain finally shut down, refusing to do any more until I kept my side of our little bargain. So off I went. The park is gorgeous--complete with a pond, geese, playground, heck, they even had a horseshoe pit. Lots of folks were out today, playing with their little ones, strolling like me and playing Frisbee with their pooches. Now, I have to tell you the weather wasn't all that great. In fact, I fully expected to be drenched, but I went anyway. Turns out all that got wet was my shirt from all the sweat I managed to work up.
My goal was to push through some of the crap in my head so I could function. I was stressed out about finding a job, worrying about my characters and about the example I'm setting for my kids. I told myself I would walk until I had clarity on all the above. Bet you're surprised I made it home before dark! My first lap I allowed myself to observe my surroundings. One of the first things I noticed was how grumpy the other walkers looked, and couldn't understand why. Who knows, maybe I looked grumpy too, but I didn't feel it. I was lost in thought for a good part of the walk, but no matter how many ugly thoughts popped up, there were always two or three wonderful ones that followed. Consequently, I couldn't fight the smile that kept tugging at my mouth. I mean really, when you eat everyday, have a place to live and a family who believes the best of you, what is there to be depressed about? I am so blessed!
When we embarked on this adventure--moving to Colorado, trust me, I've edited all the gory details out, I told myself we would be fine. I'm really good at pushing small, negative details out of mind when I need to. And that's what I did. After the job hunting commenced, I started getting a little discouraged. As a writer, rejection is as much a part of life as hours at the keyboard. For some reason though, not getting major bites on the job front felt like a rejection from the human race. I like to work. I worked for my education and I know what I'm capable of. I started wondering what I did wrong to be where I am. I worried about how I was going to care for my children and seriously entertained the idea that I was the butt of some cosmic joke. All the time, though, I kept up my positive face. Like putting on your good clothes and a touch of makeup can make you feel more together, the upbeat facade was healing. So maybe it was like putting a little band-aid on a big wound, but at least it kept some of the filth out. Still, the ugly thoughts would worm their way in and I needed more to maintain a good attitude.
I decided to control the things I could. Good ole Serenity Prayer. I went to Wild Oats and bought some good-for-me food. On the way out of the store, I grabbed one of the free magazines on the shelf. I didn't read it right away. It actually sat in my car for a few days, untouched except for when someone needed to sit on the passenger seat. One day, DH and I planned to shop and I had to wait in the car for him to get ready. I swear he takes more time than me to get gussied up! Anyway, I read the magazine. Some of it was interesting, but one article stood out. It was about cultivating an attitude of gratefulness. I like to think that I do that consistently, but it was such a timely reminder. So I wake, thankful for a new day, for my family and friends who love me. I go to bed, thankful that I'm not outside seeking shelter in a doorway. Some days it's hard to remember to do it--to find that one thing to be grateful for when the world seems shrouded in crap, but I do it. Because that is something I can control--my attitude.
There's an old saying: your attitude determines your altitude. Ten points if you can tell me where it comes from. It's true. How can I believe anything else when I've seen the truth in that statement time and time again? Yesterday, I was unemployed. Today, that is no longer the truth. Maybe I would have secured the job anyway, but I believe being open to thankfulness connected me to the opportunity. There's a lot of crap in the world, and it sucks to wade through it all, but there's a lot of good too. What would happen if we all decided to control what was in our power? What would happen if we truly decided to become the change we want to see in our world? What would happen if we just said thank you when we open our eyes in the morning and before we shut them at night?
My goal was to push through some of the crap in my head so I could function. I was stressed out about finding a job, worrying about my characters and about the example I'm setting for my kids. I told myself I would walk until I had clarity on all the above. Bet you're surprised I made it home before dark! My first lap I allowed myself to observe my surroundings. One of the first things I noticed was how grumpy the other walkers looked, and couldn't understand why. Who knows, maybe I looked grumpy too, but I didn't feel it. I was lost in thought for a good part of the walk, but no matter how many ugly thoughts popped up, there were always two or three wonderful ones that followed. Consequently, I couldn't fight the smile that kept tugging at my mouth. I mean really, when you eat everyday, have a place to live and a family who believes the best of you, what is there to be depressed about? I am so blessed!
When we embarked on this adventure--moving to Colorado, trust me, I've edited all the gory details out, I told myself we would be fine. I'm really good at pushing small, negative details out of mind when I need to. And that's what I did. After the job hunting commenced, I started getting a little discouraged. As a writer, rejection is as much a part of life as hours at the keyboard. For some reason though, not getting major bites on the job front felt like a rejection from the human race. I like to work. I worked for my education and I know what I'm capable of. I started wondering what I did wrong to be where I am. I worried about how I was going to care for my children and seriously entertained the idea that I was the butt of some cosmic joke. All the time, though, I kept up my positive face. Like putting on your good clothes and a touch of makeup can make you feel more together, the upbeat facade was healing. So maybe it was like putting a little band-aid on a big wound, but at least it kept some of the filth out. Still, the ugly thoughts would worm their way in and I needed more to maintain a good attitude.
I decided to control the things I could. Good ole Serenity Prayer. I went to Wild Oats and bought some good-for-me food. On the way out of the store, I grabbed one of the free magazines on the shelf. I didn't read it right away. It actually sat in my car for a few days, untouched except for when someone needed to sit on the passenger seat. One day, DH and I planned to shop and I had to wait in the car for him to get ready. I swear he takes more time than me to get gussied up! Anyway, I read the magazine. Some of it was interesting, but one article stood out. It was about cultivating an attitude of gratefulness. I like to think that I do that consistently, but it was such a timely reminder. So I wake, thankful for a new day, for my family and friends who love me. I go to bed, thankful that I'm not outside seeking shelter in a doorway. Some days it's hard to remember to do it--to find that one thing to be grateful for when the world seems shrouded in crap, but I do it. Because that is something I can control--my attitude.
There's an old saying: your attitude determines your altitude. Ten points if you can tell me where it comes from. It's true. How can I believe anything else when I've seen the truth in that statement time and time again? Yesterday, I was unemployed. Today, that is no longer the truth. Maybe I would have secured the job anyway, but I believe being open to thankfulness connected me to the opportunity. There's a lot of crap in the world, and it sucks to wade through it all, but there's a lot of good too. What would happen if we all decided to control what was in our power? What would happen if we truly decided to become the change we want to see in our world? What would happen if we just said thank you when we open our eyes in the morning and before we shut them at night?
26 March 2007
Slaying time...
More like wasting time. I've been playing the good auntie for the past few days. It was fun, but I forgot how exhausting it can be to hang out with kids who aren't mine. The kids were all great, but I am so boring that I wonder how my own children survive with me. We don't watch much TV during the week--Spring Break or no. I don't let them play video games for more than an hour, and that's only once every couple of months. So what do we do? We read, play outside or just hang out. In between we have meals where we again, sit together and share our day's events. See, not much happening. I was so looking forward to sleeping in today. My body and mind are exhausted from being chipper and hopeful.
It would be so easy to just be a pessimist. No energy to expend that way. Being positive is exercise. I will myself to see the silver lining on each cloud. I write when it would be easier to pretend I'd never heard of my characters. And constantly, I wear a smile for my babies because they deserve a smooth, drama free time. They didn't ask to be born, and I refuse to make their lives hell on earth. Tonight, I am going to spend some real time with my family. Who knows what we'll get up to, but it will be interesting.
Later, my characters and I will have a meeting of the minds. I've written myself into a neat little corner. I made one of my characters cry and can't remember why I did it. That's what I get for stopping in the middle of a scene. I re-read choice bits of the story this afternoon to reacquaint myself with the characters and the action. I like these people. If only I could remember why I made Katt cry.
Okay, the movie's on--Clue. Cult classic and one of my all time faves. This is what I'll call beta viewing. Catch you tomorrow folks. Same bat time, same bat channel.
It would be so easy to just be a pessimist. No energy to expend that way. Being positive is exercise. I will myself to see the silver lining on each cloud. I write when it would be easier to pretend I'd never heard of my characters. And constantly, I wear a smile for my babies because they deserve a smooth, drama free time. They didn't ask to be born, and I refuse to make their lives hell on earth. Tonight, I am going to spend some real time with my family. Who knows what we'll get up to, but it will be interesting.
Later, my characters and I will have a meeting of the minds. I've written myself into a neat little corner. I made one of my characters cry and can't remember why I did it. That's what I get for stopping in the middle of a scene. I re-read choice bits of the story this afternoon to reacquaint myself with the characters and the action. I like these people. If only I could remember why I made Katt cry.
Okay, the movie's on--Clue. Cult classic and one of my all time faves. This is what I'll call beta viewing. Catch you tomorrow folks. Same bat time, same bat channel.
23 March 2007
Catching Up...
So, what have I been up to for the past week? Job stalking, reading, cooking, cleaning. All normal stuff. Of course, I've spent a huge amount of time at the local library. It's a great place to escape--quiet, full of books. What else could a girl want?
Lately, I've been waking early--earlier than normal. Some of it's stress. Yes, dear friends, I'm admitting it out loud. There are chinks in my armour. Some of my early bird rising is because I've been reading fab books and couldn't wait another minute to finish the story. Then, there's always the fact that I'm wired to wake with the sun. When I lived in Alaska, I didn't really sleep in the summer. I just sort of paused and then did everything all over again. Man, I miss that place. For those who've never been, that's a do-before-you-die sort of thing. And do it in the winter! The snow sparkles, the Northern Lights twist in a ribbon dance across the sky, and you can taste the quiet. I didn't mean for this to become an ode to Alaska. It's just one of the few places in my life that's felt like home.
Home. Amazing how trite it sounds 'til you're searching for one. I've developed too-late syndrome. I fall in love with a house too late. Someone's already snagged it and I have to move on. I just remind myself that if it were perfect for me and mine, I'd have it. There are no coinky-dinks, which means perfection looms around the corner. Sounds scary. Even scarier is the thought that I'll have to unpack all my crap and find (you guessed it) the perfect place for it.
The point in my urge to blog today was to share some of the amazing books I've read. Once I had that library card in my hot little hand, there was nothing stopping me. I checked out Plum Lovin' and Twelve Sharp by Janet Evanovich. I laughed, and then felt sad when the adventure was over. Typical me. Good thing book 13 is around the corner. Next, I read Terry Goodkind's Phantom. Now, I used to be a bit obsessed with his books. Love the philosophy, though the author says it's not a purposeful injection. In my mind, this goes back to all fiction having some autobiographical roots. We can't help put that little slice of self into our work, and I'm glad. Otherwise I might have missed out on so many amazing thinkers.
I read through Phantom like it was my life source. I'd waited too long between books, you see. Plus, when it came out, I misunderstood that this was to be the last in The Sword of Truth series. I've never been so glad to be wrong. As I neared the end, I kept saying to myself, "There's no way he's going to be able to tie up all these loose ends. There are too few pages and too much stuff that has to happen." I was right. Guess it's good for me that he has the other book coming out this fall. I love the world he constructed, the characters, the conflict and the fact that it is more broad than the typical man-and-his-journey story. The appeal for me is that the characters are not unlike me--even though in their world magic is as real as the air they breathe. If you haven't read these books, please do.
Lately, I've been waking early--earlier than normal. Some of it's stress. Yes, dear friends, I'm admitting it out loud. There are chinks in my armour. Some of my early bird rising is because I've been reading fab books and couldn't wait another minute to finish the story. Then, there's always the fact that I'm wired to wake with the sun. When I lived in Alaska, I didn't really sleep in the summer. I just sort of paused and then did everything all over again. Man, I miss that place. For those who've never been, that's a do-before-you-die sort of thing. And do it in the winter! The snow sparkles, the Northern Lights twist in a ribbon dance across the sky, and you can taste the quiet. I didn't mean for this to become an ode to Alaska. It's just one of the few places in my life that's felt like home.
Home. Amazing how trite it sounds 'til you're searching for one. I've developed too-late syndrome. I fall in love with a house too late. Someone's already snagged it and I have to move on. I just remind myself that if it were perfect for me and mine, I'd have it. There are no coinky-dinks, which means perfection looms around the corner. Sounds scary. Even scarier is the thought that I'll have to unpack all my crap and find (you guessed it) the perfect place for it.
The point in my urge to blog today was to share some of the amazing books I've read. Once I had that library card in my hot little hand, there was nothing stopping me. I checked out Plum Lovin' and Twelve Sharp by Janet Evanovich. I laughed, and then felt sad when the adventure was over. Typical me. Good thing book 13 is around the corner. Next, I read Terry Goodkind's Phantom. Now, I used to be a bit obsessed with his books. Love the philosophy, though the author says it's not a purposeful injection. In my mind, this goes back to all fiction having some autobiographical roots. We can't help put that little slice of self into our work, and I'm glad. Otherwise I might have missed out on so many amazing thinkers.
I read through Phantom like it was my life source. I'd waited too long between books, you see. Plus, when it came out, I misunderstood that this was to be the last in The Sword of Truth series. I've never been so glad to be wrong. As I neared the end, I kept saying to myself, "There's no way he's going to be able to tie up all these loose ends. There are too few pages and too much stuff that has to happen." I was right. Guess it's good for me that he has the other book coming out this fall. I love the world he constructed, the characters, the conflict and the fact that it is more broad than the typical man-and-his-journey story. The appeal for me is that the characters are not unlike me--even though in their world magic is as real as the air they breathe. If you haven't read these books, please do.
15 March 2007
Here I go Again...
In my last blog I said I'd be writing from my home on wheels. Not quite. Though my vehicular paradise does have Internet (wireless, thank God), I decided to hang out at the library. My new home is nestled in the Rockies, overlooked by Pikes Peak. Ten guesses as to where I've relocated... At any rate, it is more beautiful than I believed possible. Adventure and fun are really around each corner. And the libraries are FAB!!! Every time we pass a library in one of our jaunts, I want to stop and have a look. The DH is smart and rolls his eyes, but says nothing. In my mind, it's a win-win situation for him, especially since he doesn't have to pay for a new parcel of books.
In the meantime, I am still writing. Granted, the move made that a LOT slower, but I can taste the end. Right now, I'm fantasizing about the edits. When it comes to the overhaul, though, I'm sure I'll be doing more cursing than smiling. Honestly, most of the book is good. I just have some holes I need to plug. Just like the little Dutch Boy. When I'm not writing or cruising the library circuit, I am seriously job hunting.
I've done the job search before. When one moves as much as I have, it becomes almost a recreational activity. Maybe it's because I'm older now or because I'm finally calling one place home, but the search is WORK! I know why it's called job hunting. First, you determine your prey. Then you learn everything you can about the target, and the chase begins. For a moment, you stalk after it--noting the idiosyncrasies missed in the initial research. Finally, the interview. You and your prey lock eyes, and for a brief moment come to an understanding. So you shoot. Maybe you miss, maybe you hit dead on. But you get one chance to do it right, or you'll be forced to repeat the process.
Obviously, I'm not a hunter, but the analogy seemed to click for me in a new way as I scoped out the place I was interviewing with yesterday. I will be glad to be finished with this process so I can move into the next adventure. At least that's what I'm thinking now. By next year, all of this will be a blip of time in my life. I just keep reminding myself of this when my entourage starts bickering, or the toilet stops working, or the laundromat's closed. The list goes on. One thing I've been thrilled to see is that the love in our little six-wheeled paradise flows strong. We still play together and take care of each other. Nothing like a stint in a confined space to show you what's real and what's fiction.
In the meantime, I am still writing. Granted, the move made that a LOT slower, but I can taste the end. Right now, I'm fantasizing about the edits. When it comes to the overhaul, though, I'm sure I'll be doing more cursing than smiling. Honestly, most of the book is good. I just have some holes I need to plug. Just like the little Dutch Boy. When I'm not writing or cruising the library circuit, I am seriously job hunting.
I've done the job search before. When one moves as much as I have, it becomes almost a recreational activity. Maybe it's because I'm older now or because I'm finally calling one place home, but the search is WORK! I know why it's called job hunting. First, you determine your prey. Then you learn everything you can about the target, and the chase begins. For a moment, you stalk after it--noting the idiosyncrasies missed in the initial research. Finally, the interview. You and your prey lock eyes, and for a brief moment come to an understanding. So you shoot. Maybe you miss, maybe you hit dead on. But you get one chance to do it right, or you'll be forced to repeat the process.
Obviously, I'm not a hunter, but the analogy seemed to click for me in a new way as I scoped out the place I was interviewing with yesterday. I will be glad to be finished with this process so I can move into the next adventure. At least that's what I'm thinking now. By next year, all of this will be a blip of time in my life. I just keep reminding myself of this when my entourage starts bickering, or the toilet stops working, or the laundromat's closed. The list goes on. One thing I've been thrilled to see is that the love in our little six-wheeled paradise flows strong. We still play together and take care of each other. Nothing like a stint in a confined space to show you what's real and what's fiction.
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